So, where am I now?

I decided to put together a time line of my college years, to get a better look at my academic progress:

Year 1
Fall - SCHOOL
Spring - SCHOOL

Year 2
Fall - SCHOOL ( which ends in academic dismissal)
Spring - Dismissal, retaking failed class for re-admit status

Year 3
Fall- I am readmitted, I start SCHOOL
spring- SCHOOL

Year 4
Fall- SCHOOL ( which ends with academic dismissal)
Spring- Dismissal, retaking failed class for re-admit status

Year 5
Fall- Dismissal, retaking failed class for re-admit status
Spring-Dismissal, retaking failed class for re-admit status




Obviously, I have been a student for a number of years, half the time dismissed ( euphemism for drop-out). Add all my semesters of "SCHOOL", which total 6, and I would considered a rising senior.

So whats wrong?

I have taken a total of 31 classes. Because I failed so many of them the first time around, I had to repeat about 8 of those classes. So that's time spend redoing about 25% of course work. I have 7 classes where my grades are D and Below, which does NOTHING for my academic progress towards graduation. That is about 22% of course work. In other words, about 50% of my classes so far have done nothing to put my anywhere near graduation.

This means, although I am much older than most students, although I have been in school for OVER 4 years, I am technically no better off than a first semester sophomore. . Oh, and I'm not even counting the number of classes I withdrew from before I flat out failed them ( which I believe total about 5).

Sigh,

I look at this and wonder what keeps me going? Why do I bother with school? Is it because I am afraid to leave? Is it because there are no jobs for a college drop out? Is college really just a babysitter for students betwixt and between adulthood? Is it because my parents will NOT accept a college dropout for a daughter and insist I continue trying no matter how long it takes me. The waste of money is colossal. I am emotionally drained.

This is embarrassing to write about, because I know many of you would never have been so lucky to bounce in and out of school like this. I have not told a single person what its been like and everyone asks when I am going to graduate. I avoid people because of this. I grew up as a church-mouse, so when I left for college my Sunday attendance went from 99.9% to 2%. Now that I am back home and people from the old church see me around, they wonder when I am graduating. My old High School friend are getting their graduate degree's on the same campus I am.

Their kids are starting college now!

I have considered walking an graduation day just to keep up appearances. Then continue going to school and pass it off as graduate study. But I know one of my parents is simply to daft to get it and will only want to go to the "real" graduation. In the mean time, whenever anyone asks when I will graduate, I simply say "in about a year", knowing darn well I am starting school over. My parents get asked by their friends what I am doing and when I will be done. I have told people a bunch of majors. I could easily disconnect from the community of people I live around, but my parents cannot. This is hard for everybody....


What the F*** else am I suppose to do?
Meranda Fallen