I can't be mad forever......

Sitting around my desk, looking at pictures from my days at WoffU melts my heart.
You never know how good you have it, how temporary it all is, until it is gone.

The wide open green spaces, beautiful architecture ( even for older crappy buildings), snow covered roads in the winter, and my days walking around campus as an undergrad.

Where I went back to on my weekends home from WoffU, was the other side of the tracks.

I remember the igloo afew freshmen built on the first snow day, my high school friend turned college roommate and the aroma of her cooking. I remember dorm food and learning the ins and outs of special menu day ( get their early, know what you want or you don't get ANY). Nights spent at the gym until 1am. Library until 2am. Sleep overs at other dorms once we found friends. Learning to open up to strange people, making a difference.

Finally feeling comfortable enough to walk through buildings on my way to class. Going to my first dance, my first party....damn. If I keep going on I'm gonna forget the utter hell I went through with incompetent advisers, uncaring TA's & professors, plus the constant stench of failure I carried around. I gained 60 lbs in college, and years later I still have about 30 lbs to go. I destroyed relationships with people I long to speak with now. I dropped out once, and on my semester back was told if I had just said something ( like I didn't call this person 5 times) I would have gotten another semester to prove myself, because my GPA was a 1.98 then.

I went through hell over a 1.98 GPA. I lost a job promotion to be shift supervisor, an opportunity to be a PAID student leader and a major dent in my transcript over a 1.98 . On my first semester back, I was so resentful I could not concentrate. About a year after that , I dropped out AGAIN. Why did I continue to pay money to attend a school that made it clear they didn't care about me.

Why do I STILL do that now?

I'm not one to get into the cult of college, but I will say this,
Cherish those years.

I know my blog can get quite melancholy, I am a struggling student after all. I am mad about how my life has turned out and how long it will take me to rectify my situation. I am mad that afew simple and stupid mistakes cost me years of hard work. I am mad that I didn't do the least of what was expected of me. I am mad that all the money has run out, and now I am scrambling to pay for school. I wonder if I would have enjoyed graduating on time AND being unemployment better that being a college drop out.

I am mad when I remember THIS and realize I am MUCH better than that, but where am I?

I am here, hoping I can see into the future, and that my mistakes will make me a better person. Some peoples lot in life will just be finding joy in pain.


I only want happy times for you all,
M.Fallen